Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the
word in various parts of the world…
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That’s the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God…”
WITNESS: “I swear by Almighty God.”
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: That’s right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: “Repeat it”.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: “That the evidence that I give.”
CLERK: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:”Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: “Shall be the truth and.”
CLERK: Say: “Nothing…”.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the truth…”
CLERK: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth…”?
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You’re confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth…”.
WITNESS: Is that all?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
CLERK: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.
CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”, “But”,”The”,”Truth”.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar.
LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His “thing”?
WITNESS: You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
* “Is it true that lawyers can take a business tax deduction for their Viagra prescription since it enhances their performance at what they do for a living?”
* In a recent study,the FDA administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers…..
While most doctors achieved enhanced sexual ability – the lawyers simply grew taller.
Researchers are at a loss to explain this phenomenon.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”, asked Holmes.
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets…
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent.”
Hoe krijg je mensen gek en hoe krijg je ze zover, dat ze denken dat jij gek bent
1. In de lunchpauze ga je in je geparkeerde auto zitten en richt een fohn op voorbijgaande auto’s, om te kijken of ze vaart minderen.
2. Roep jezelf op via de intercom (Vervorm je stem niet).
3. Iedere keer dat iemand je vraagt iets te doen, vraag je: “Wil je daar mayonaise bij?”
4. Moedig je collega’s aan regelmatig stoelendans met je te doen.
5. Zet je prullenbak op je bureau en plak er het label “POSTVAK IN” op.
6. Ontwikkel een onnatuurlijke angst voor nietmachines.
7. Stop drie weken lang koffie zonder cafeïne in het koffieapparaat. Als iedereen over zijn verslavingssymptonen heen is, schakel je over naar espresso.
8. Beantwoord alles wat iemand zegt met: “Dat denk jij.”
9. Sluit alle zinnen af met: “En zo is het voorspeld.”
10. Verander de kleur van je monitor zodanig, dat de kleur ervan de hele omgeving oplicht. Blijf volhouden dat je dat prettig vindt.
11. Gebruik nooit meer punten kommas en andere leesetekens
12. Probeer zoveel mogelijk te huppelen in plaats van te lopen.
13. Vraag mensen van welk geslacht ze zijn.
14. Geef bij de Mc Drive praatpaal aan dat je je bestelling absoluut wilt meenemen.
15. Zing mee bij de opera.
16. Ga naar een poezie-avond en vraag waarom men niet rijmt.
17. Zoek uit waar je baas zijn/haar kleding koopt en koop precies dezelfde outfits. Draag deze outfits de dag nadat je baas het gedragen heeft. (Dit is vooral effectief als je baas van het andere geslacht is).
18. Stuur e-mail naar de rest van het bedrijf om ze te vertellen wat je aan het doen bent. Bijvoorbeeld: “Als jullie me zoeken? Ik ben even naar het toilet.”
19. Hang een klamboe rond je werkplek.
20. Vertel je vrienden vijf dagen van te voren, dat je niet op hun feestje kunt komen omdat je niet in de stemming bent.
21. Vraag aan iedereen of ze zwanger zijn.
1. If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
2. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
3. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
4. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
5. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
6. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
7. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
8. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
9. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
10. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
12. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
13. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
14. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
15. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
16. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
17. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
18. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
20. What is the speed of dark?
21. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
22. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
23. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
24. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
25. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
26. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
27. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
28. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
29. If builders are afraid to have a 13th floor, then why aren’t book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11?
30. How can there be self-help groups?
31. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
32. Where are Preparations A through G?
33. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
34. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
35. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
36. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
37. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
38. Hermits have no peer pressure.
39. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
40. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
41. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
42. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
43. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
44. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
45. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
46. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
47. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
48. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
49. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
50. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
51. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
52. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
53. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
54. Is it possible to be totally partial?
55. What’s another word for thesaurus?
56. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
57. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
58. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
59. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
60. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
61. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
62. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
63. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
64. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
65. Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?
66. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
67. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
68. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
69. Why is abbreviation such a long word?…And why does it have one?