Stranded on a deserted island

On nine beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it’s not raining.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into north and south and by setting up distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Things people actually said in court, word for word

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the
word in various parts of the world…

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That’s the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?

CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God…”
WITNESS: “I swear by Almighty God.”
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: That’s right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: “Repeat it”.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: “That the evidence that I give.”
CLERK: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:”Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: “Shall be the truth and.”
CLERK: Say: “Nothing…”.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the truth…”
CLERK: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth…”?
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You’re confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth…”.
WITNESS: Is that all?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
CLERK: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.
CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”, “But”,”The”,”Truth”.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His “thing”?
WITNESS: You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”

Lawyers & Viagra

* “Is it true that lawyers can take a business tax deduction for their Viagra prescription since it enhances their performance at what they do for a living?”

* In a recent study,the FDA administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers…..

While most doctors achieved enhanced sexual ability – the lawyers simply grew taller.

Researchers are at a loss to explain this phenomenon.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”, asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets…

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

“Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent.”