All posts by Johan van der Wijk

Irriteren

Hoe krijg je mensen gek en hoe krijg je ze zover, dat ze denken dat jij gek bent

1. In de lunchpauze ga je in je geparkeerde auto zitten en richt een fohn op voorbijgaande auto’s, om te kijken of ze vaart minderen.
2. Roep jezelf op via de intercom (Vervorm je stem niet).
3. Iedere keer dat iemand je vraagt iets te doen, vraag je: “Wil je daar mayonaise bij?”
4. Moedig je collega’s aan regelmatig stoelendans met je te doen.
5. Zet je prullenbak op je bureau en plak er het label “POSTVAK IN” op.
6. Ontwikkel een onnatuurlijke angst voor nietmachines.
7. Stop drie weken lang koffie zonder cafeïne in het koffieapparaat. Als iedereen over zijn verslavingssymptonen heen is, schakel je over naar espresso.
8. Beantwoord alles wat iemand zegt met: “Dat denk jij.”
9. Sluit alle zinnen af met: “En zo is het voorspeld.”
10. Verander de kleur van je monitor zodanig, dat de kleur ervan de hele omgeving oplicht. Blijf volhouden dat je dat prettig vindt.
11. Gebruik nooit meer punten kommas en andere leesetekens
12. Probeer zoveel mogelijk te huppelen in plaats van te lopen.
13. Vraag mensen van welk geslacht ze zijn.
14. Geef bij de Mc Drive praatpaal aan dat je je bestelling absoluut wilt meenemen.
15. Zing mee bij de opera.
16. Ga naar een poezie-avond en vraag waarom men niet rijmt.
17. Zoek uit waar je baas zijn/haar kleding koopt en koop precies dezelfde outfits. Draag deze outfits de dag nadat je baas het gedragen heeft. (Dit is vooral effectief als je baas van het andere geslacht is).
18. Stuur e-mail naar de rest van het bedrijf om ze te vertellen wat je aan het doen bent. Bijvoorbeeld: “Als jullie me zoeken? Ik ben even naar het toilet.”
19. Hang een klamboe rond je werkplek.
20. Vertel je vrienden vijf dagen van te voren, dat je niet op hun feestje kunt komen omdat je niet in de stemming bent.
21. Vraag aan iedereen of ze zwanger zijn.

69 Questions With No Answers

1. If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
2. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
3. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
4. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
5. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
6. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
7. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
8. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
9. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
10. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
12. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
13. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
14. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
15. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
16. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
17. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
18. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
20. What is the speed of dark?
21. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
22. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
23. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
24. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
25. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
26. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
27. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
28. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
29. If builders are afraid to have a 13th floor, then why aren’t book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11?
30. How can there be self-help groups?
31. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
32. Where are Preparations A through G?
33. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
34. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
35. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
36. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
37. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
38. Hermits have no peer pressure.
39. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
40. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
41. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
42. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
43. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
44. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
45. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
46. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
47. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
48. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
49. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
50. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
51. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
52. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
53. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
54. Is it possible to be totally partial?
55. What’s another word for thesaurus?
56. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
57. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
58. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
59. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
60. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
61. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
62. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
63. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
64. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
65. Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?
66. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
67. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
68. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
69. Why is abbreviation such a long word?…And why does it have one?

Changing calendars from Y2K

To: My Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.

At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.

The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.

Little Johnny in class

Little Johnny is the brightest kid in his class, and finishes way ahead of all the other kids during a maths test. To stop him from disturbing any of the other children the teacher says “Johnny, you are so clever that I’m going to ask you an extra question. There are five birds on a Wall.
You’re armed with a shotgun and you shoot one of them. How many are left?”
“None” says Johnny.
“What do you mean, none?” says the teacher.
“Well, one falls dead, and the others fly away because of the noise.” explains Johnny. “Ahhh, well done Johnny. I would have said four, but I like the way you’re thinking.” answers the teacher. Twenty minutes later, Johnny raises his hand. “Miss! Miss!”
“Yes Johnny”
“Now can I ask you a question?”
“Please do.”
“Miss, three girls are standing next to an ice-cream van, and they’ve all got ice-creams. One is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it.
Which one is married?!”
The teacher looks a bit embarrassed and says: “Errr,Hmm, I don’t know Johnny. The one who, er…..is sucking it?”
“No Miss!” Says Johnny “The one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking!!!”

The Basic Difference Between HIS (Y) and HERS (X)

The Basic Difference Between HIS (Y) and HERS (X)

X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

X: Workout – Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria’s Secret catalog mailing list

X: Get organized/clean house
Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X: Read More/Less TV
Y: Buy Dish – More sports channels!!

Today’s Stock Market Report

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.