Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”
Paradise is the place where the humorists are British, chefs are French, mechanics are German, lovers are Portuguese and everything is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is the place where humorists are German, chefs are British, mechanics are French, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Portuguese.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Well, hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up
He never called back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Dear Cassius,
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive till it’s all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
Plutonius.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ‘Here. Rub it.’
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and an old genie is standing before him. ‘I will grant you one wish. Just one wish…each person is only allowed one!’
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ‘I want a million bucks!’
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, ‘Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.’
‘No shit!!’ says the man, ‘do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?’
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs , ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.
The asshole is usually in charge!
SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: “Would you likedinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, “Sir, need to see your ticket not your stub.”
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not, they’re dead.”
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the bobby said.
The kid replied, “Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?”
The lorry driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!”
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-arsed chap at the back of the room raised his hand and asked:
“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. (more…)
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. (more…)
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walk several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.
“This is marvellous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
“Land mines”, Replied the Kuwaiti woman.
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