Category Archives: Jokes

The Y Zero K Problem

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.

We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive till it’s all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

Plutonius.

Paper Bag

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ‘Here. Rub it.’

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and an old genie is standing before him. ‘I will grant you one wish. Just one wish…each person is only allowed one!’

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ‘I want a million bucks!’

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, ‘Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.’

‘No shit!!’ says the man, ‘do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?’

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs , ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.

The asshole is usually in charge!

Smart Arsed Answers

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: “Would you likedinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
“What are my choices?” the man asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, “Sir, need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The assistant replied, “I’m afraid not, they’re dead.”

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the bobby said.
The kid replied, “Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?”
The lorry driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!”

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-arsed chap at the back of the room raised his hand and asked:
“What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I suppose you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Continue reading Why did the chicken cross the road?

The wonders of politics, explained by a bloke with two cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. Continue reading The wonders of politics, explained by a bloke with two cows

Land mines in Kuwait

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walk several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation.

“This is marvellous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
“Land mines”, Replied the Kuwaiti woman.

69 redenen waarom het GEWELDIG is om een MAN te zijn!

1. Naakte personages in films en tv-serie zijn vrijwel uitsluitend vrouwelijk.

2. De kapper kost je geen 5 uur van je kostbare tijd en ook geen anderhalf maandloon.

3. Je kunt met je vrienden over muziek praten.

4. Voetbalkantines.

5. Niemand stoort het, jezelf incluis, als je twee of drie dagen dezelfde kleren draagt.

6. Je kunt een spijker in de muur slaan.

7. Het is volstrekt mogelijk om geweldige seks te hebben met iemand die je niet kan uitstaan.

8. Andere mensen vinden het fantastisch van je als je kunt koken. Of sterker nog: als je kunt strijken. Continue reading 69 redenen waarom het GEWELDIG is om een MAN te zijn!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.”

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that. Continue reading Why did the chicken cross the road?

St. Patrick

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the irish man and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies.
“I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!”
“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.”
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder.
“I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”
“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies.
“Your right, he is unshakable!”
The third English man said: “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.”
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said…”I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!”
“Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.”