Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

A clever one…

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A hole in his bag of marbles.
A living example of artificial intelligence.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as jello.
About as smart as live bait.
All foam, no beer.
All sail and no boat.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
As sharp as a marble.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Grease spot on the driveway of life.
Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
His Slinky’s kinked.
Knitting with only one needle.
Not the brightest color…in the crayon box.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
One taco short of a combination plate.
She’s sharp as a marble!
Strong, like a Bear…Smart, like a Tractor.
Studies hard for blood tests.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

Thursday, April 10th, 2008
  1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
  2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friday, October 13th, 2006

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. (more…)

69 redenen waarom het GEWELDIG is om een MAN te zijn!

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

1. Naakte personages in films en tv-serie zijn vrijwel uitsluitend vrouwelijk.

2. De kapper kost je geen 5 uur van je kostbare tijd en ook geen anderhalf maandloon.

3. Je kunt met je vrienden over muziek praten.

4. Voetbalkantines.

5. Niemand stoort het, jezelf incluis, als je twee of drie dagen dezelfde kleren draagt.

6. Je kunt een spijker in de muur slaan.

7. Het is volstrekt mogelijk om geweldige seks te hebben met iemand die je niet kan uitstaan.

8. Andere mensen vinden het fantastisch van je als je kunt koken. Of sterker nog: als je kunt strijken. (more…)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Monday, October 9th, 2006

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.”

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that. (more…)