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A clever one…

Johan — Wed, 07 May 2008 15:24:58 +0000

A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A hole in his bag of marbles.
A living example of artificial intelligence.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as jello.
About as smart as live bait.
All foam, no beer.
All sail and no boat.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
As sharp as a marble.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Grease spot on the driveway of life.
Her elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
His Slinky’s kinked.
Knitting with only one needle.
Not the brightest color…in the crayon box.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
One taco short of a combination plate.
She’s sharp as a marble!
Strong, like a Bear…Smart, like a Tractor.
Studies hard for blood tests.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

Johan — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:04:10 +0000

If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Johan — Fri, 13 Oct 2006 10:03:36 +0000

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto The chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON: I never helped the chicken cross the road.
I did not have relations with that chicken. Now, leave me alone so I can resume serving the people of the United States!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever Motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”

LOUIS FERRAKHAN: It was abducted by a UFO and told, upon arrival back on earth, to cross the road for the greater good of the urban man.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

JIMI HENDRIX: ‘Skuze me, while I kiss th’ chicken.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

HOMER SIMPSON: Whoo hooo! Fried chicken tonight!

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

69 redenen waarom het GEWELDIG is om een MAN te zijn!

Johan — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 09:34:59 +0000

1. Naakte personages in films en tv-serie zijn vrijwel uitsluitend vrouwelijk.

2. De kapper kost je geen 5 uur van je kostbare tijd en ook geen anderhalf maandloon.

3. Je kunt met je vrienden over muziek praten.

4. Voetbalkantines.

5. Niemand stoort het, jezelf incluis, als je twee of drie dagen dezelfde kleren draagt.

6. Je kunt een spijker in de muur slaan.

7. Het is volstrekt mogelijk om geweldige seks te hebben met iemand die je niet kan uitstaan.

8. Andere mensen vinden het fantastisch van je als je kunt koken. Of sterker nog: als je kunt strijken.

9. Je voelt niet de minste behoefte om 350-delige tv-series te volgen.

10. De werking van de wasmachine zal je je hele leven onbekend blijven.

11. De afstandsbediening van de tv is van jou en van jou alleen.

12. Je hoeft alleen je gezicht te scheren.

13. Het laat je totaal koud wat ‘men’ over je zegt.

14. Je kunt in opperste extase geraken door het geluid van een Ferrari.

15. “So what” als je er eens een dag belabberd uitziet.

16. Je kunt het maken in de zakenwereld.

17. Al je orgasmen zijn echt.

18. Je wordt niet overvallen door een onbedwingbare drang om het hele huis schoon te maken als er eens iemand op bezoek komt.

19. CafÃ©bazen zetten meestal hun mooiste dochter achter de toog.

20. Je kunt gericht met iets gooien.

21. Wakker worden, wassen en aankleden lukt je desnoods in 7,5 minuten.

22. Je kan je eigen flessen en blikjes openmaken.

23. Je kunt biljarten (en kaarten, en darten).

24. Je hebt genoeg aan een paar schoenen.

25. De hele wereld is jouw toilet.

26. Je spaart een monumentale hoeveelheid geld uit aan schoonheidsmiddeltjes.

27. Je kunt fileparkeren.

28. Grijze haren en rimpels maken je aantrekkelijker.

29. Je hebt gevoel voor humor.

30. Niemand verwacht van je dat je de verjaardagen onthoudt van 100 verschillende familieleden, vrienden en kennissen.

31. Je kunt tegen de wind in fietsen.

32. De platen die je twintig jaar geleden kocht, worden nog altijd beschouwd als goede muziek.

33. Je hoeft niet naast een kerel te liggen in bed.

34. Je kunt compleet onnozel doen onder vrienden.

35. Het is in het geheel niet nodig het verschil te kennen tussen fijne en bonte was.

36. Je kunt om het even welke kroeg binnenstappen zonder dat de stamgasten je van top tot teen beloeren.

37. Boeren en scheten laten hoort er gewoon bij.

38. Je kunt niet zwanger worden.

39. De meeste echt mooie mannen zijn homofiel.

40. Je kunt scheidsrechters ongestraft uitschelden voor blind stuk crapuul.

41. Waar het je ook jeukt, je kan jezelf overal probleemloos krabben.

42. Je kan nog altijd probleemloos opschieten met je zus.

43. Je weet hoe je een videorecorder moet instellen.

44. Je kan je naam in de sneeuw schrijven.

45. Als je kleren hebt gekocht die een maatje te groot zijn, trek je die gewoon aan.

46. Het is maatschappelijk aanvaard om naar de hoeren te gaan.

47. Oude vrouwen geilen niet op je.

48. Je mag op de grond spugen.

49. Een simpele auto- of motorbrochure bezorgt je maandenlang lees- en kijkplezier.

50. Je hebt verstand van elektriciteit.

51. Je moet geen handtassen vol overbodige troep overal mee naartoe sleuren.

52. Je hoeft niet te liegen over je leeftijd.

53. Het kan je niet schelen als je haar nat wordt van de regen.

54. Je denkt de hele dag eigenlijk maar aan een ding.

55. Een bloemetje volstaat om de grootst mogelijke ruzie bij te leggen.

56. Je kunt naar maandverbandreclames kijken zonder je te pletter te ergeren.

57. Als je in de politiek gaat, neemt men je serieus.

58. Je kunt een banaan opeten in het openbaar.

59. Je moet niet met je moeder gaan winkelen op zaterdagmiddag.

60. Je kunt er belachelijke hobby’s op na houden en daar nog prat op gaan ook.

61. Je kan je snor laten staan en er zelfs beter uit gaan zien.

62. Je bent in staat om iets op te vangen.

63. Je kunt vrijuit met je vrienden over al je vroegere veroveringen praten.

64. Het is volstrekt onbelangrijk om de mode te volgen.

65. Je ziet de schoonheid van een perfect uitgevoerde buitenspelval.

66. Het staat stoer om voor je seksuele fantasieÃ«n uit te komen.

67. Phaedra Hoste

68. Je kunt met succes een mop vertellen.

69. Het leven begint pas echt na je dertigste.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Johan — Mon, 09 Oct 2006 15:27:10 +0000

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.”

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.

For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell,alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RONALD REAGAN:

What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

BILL CLINTON:

I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did it move beneath the chicken?