I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right number moron!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an idiot!’ and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘idiot’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an idiot!’ It always cheered me up.

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. Noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his number on speed dial,).

I thought that I’d better call the Land Rover idiot, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?’ Yes, it is’, he said. ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ I asked. ‘Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It’s a terraced house, and the car’s parked right out in front.’ ‘What’s your name?’ I asked. ‘My name is Steve Hansen,’ he said. ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Steve?’ ‘I’m home most days as I’m currently unemployed.’ ‘Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?’

‘Yes?’

‘Steve, you’re an idiot!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called idiot #1. ‘Hello?’ ‘You’re an idiot!’ (but I didn’t hang up.) ‘Are you still there?’ he asked. ‘Yeah.’ I said. ‘Stop calling me!’ he screamed. ‘Make me.’ I said. ‘Who are you?’ he asked. ‘My name is Steve Hansen.’ ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ ‘I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared… idiot.’ and hung up. Then I called idiot #2. ‘Hello?’ he said. ‘Hello, idiot,’ I said. He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ ‘You’ll do what?’ I said.

‘I’ll kick your head in,’ he exclaimed. I answered, ‘Well, idiot, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two idiots beating the brains out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works.