Monthly Archives: April 2008

Slimmer dankzij bananenpitten

Dutch

Op een dag loopt Sjefke (een belg) op de markt. Tot zijn grote verbazing ziet hij daar een man bananenpitten verkopen en omdat Sjefke nogal nieuwsgierig van aard is loopt hij op deze man af en vraagt waar de bananenpitten voor dienen.
“Nou”, zegt de verkoper, “Als je een week lang elke dag een bananenpit eet dan wordt je aanzienlijk slimmer.” Dit bevalt Sjefke wel en om die reden koopt hij 7 bananenpitten. “Dat is dan 490 euro” zegt de verkoper. Na wat aarzelen koopt Sjefke toch de pitten.

Na die week komt Sjefke erachter dat hij genaaid is, immers bananenpitten bestaan helemaal niet. Dus Sjefke terug naar die verkoper. “Je hebt me gewoon genaaid met die bananenpitten van je” zegt Sjefke tegen de verkoper. “Zie je nou dat je slimmer geworden bent” zegt de verkoper. “Verrek” zegt Sjefke, “doe mij nog maar 7 bananenpitten!”

When women are asked the question

Sexist

A. The rules of “yes” or “no”
– Written by Danielle

1. If a guy asks you to have sex with him, slap him and say no.

2. If he continuously asks (consider this the monopoly method, you don’t get what you want so you go back to go, in this case #1) slap him and say no

3. As girls, we all know maybe means NO, but the idiots don’t follow and will continue to ask you and encourage you to change the NO to a YES. If this problem occurs… slap him and say no.

B. The rules of “yes” or “no”
– Written by Jenna Richter

1. If a girl says no, she probably isn’t quite ready or she may bekind of shy or insecure. Some advice for all you clueless guys – if she says no, she means no, so don’t try to change her mind or rush her into things she isn’t ready for because she’ll just regret it. She’ll know when she’s ready, and she’ll probably let you too know so until then, WAIT!!!!!

2. If a girl says “I don’t know” that probably means she’s been thinking about it a lot but can’t decide what to do or what the right thing to do is. Don’t worry-she’ll make her decision soon enough!

3. If a girl says maybe, that means she probably will pretty soon, so get ready all you worthy guys!

4. If a girl says yes right off the bat, she’s probably a tad bit easy and just wants guys to like her more so she has sex. Stay away from her if you don’t truly love her.

VERSION II – WHEN A GUY RESPONDS “YES OR NO”

D. The rules of “yes” or “no”
– Written by Jennifer Johnson

1. If he says “definitely not”, he’s gay.
2. If he says “no”, his wife/girlfriend is nearby.
3. If he says “Maybe”, he’s checking out your friends and wondering if they’re coming along too
4.. If he says yes, get yourself tested.

E. The rules of “yes” or “no”
– Written by Pat Carlin

If you ask a guy to have sex with you and he says

“YES,” he probably already took you to dinner and a show that night, arrived at your house clean shaven, wearing clothes that matched over buns of steel.

If he says, “Maybe” he is waiting to get a good look at your butt before he makes up his mind.

If he says, “No” it’s because he prefers men.

If he says, “definitely not” you probably have something hanging out of your nose.

F. THE RULES OF “YES AND NO”
– Written by Jamie Harley

1. If you ask a guy to have sex with you and he says “definitely not,” he’s really lying to you.

2. If he says “no,” he’s still lying to you. He’s just being polite.

3. If he says “maybe,” he means “yes,” but he’s still being polite and trying not to be to forward. Keep playing the game and see how long his patience will last. Most guys won’t last through the third date like this.

4. If he says “yes,” he’s actually being honest with you. Beware, that could backfire in the honesty department later… as in answers to, “Am I getting fat? Do you think I look good in this dress?”

The Y Zero K Problem

Jokes

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.
We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.

We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive till it’s all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

Plutonius.

Paper Bag

Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ‘Here. Rub it.’

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and an old genie is standing before him. ‘I will grant you one wish. Just one wish…each person is only allowed one!’

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, ‘I want a million bucks!’

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, ‘Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.’

‘No shit!!’ says the man, ‘do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?’

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

Lists,
  1. If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
  2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.
  4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  8. Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  9. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.