Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”, asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets…

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

“Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent.”

To: My Boss
From: Blondie
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me.

At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year.

The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

* Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

* Proper use of toiletries can forestal bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

* Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

* Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

* Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

* If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

* No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”

* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

* If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

* Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

* Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

* Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

* When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

* A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

* Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

* Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

* Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.

* It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

* Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

* The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

* Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

A small guy steps into an elevator in New York, looks up and notices this huge dude standing next to him.

The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints.

The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to slapping his face and shaking him and asks, “What’s wrong with you?”.

The small guy, colour drained from his face says, “Excuse me but what did you say just then?”.

The big dude looks down at him and repeats, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Oh thank God for that! I thought you said ‘Turn around’…”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and having, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

…..

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?!!”

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

Paradise is the place where the humorists are British, chefs are French, mechanics are German, lovers are Portuguese and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is the place where humorists are German, chefs are British, mechanics are French, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Portuguese.