Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the
word in various parts of the world…

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That’s the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God…”
WITNESS: “I swear by Almighty God.”
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: That’s right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: “Repeat it”.
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give…”
WITNESS: “That the evidence that I give.”
CLERK: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:”Shall be the truth and…”
WITNESS: “Shall be the truth and.”
CLERK: Say: “Nothing…”.
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can’t you say: “Nothing but the truth…”?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You’re confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth…”.
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.
CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth…”
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”, “But”,”The”,”Truth”.
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His “thing”?
WITNESS: You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”

1. If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
2. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
3. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
4. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
5. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
6. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
7. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
8. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
9. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
10. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
12. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
13. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
14. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
15. You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
16. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
17. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
18. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
20. What is the speed of dark?
21. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
22. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
23. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
24. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
25. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
26. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
27. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
28. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
29. If builders are afraid to have a 13th floor, then why aren’t book publishers afraid to have a Chapter 11?
30. How can there be self-help groups?
31. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
32. Where are Preparations A through G?
33. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
34. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
35. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
36. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
37. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
38. Hermits have no peer pressure.
39. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
40. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
41. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
42. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
43. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
44. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
45. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
46. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
47. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
48. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
49. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
50. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
51. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
52. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
53. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
54. Is it possible to be totally partial?
55. What’s another word for thesaurus?
56. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
57. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
58. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
59. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
60. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
61. How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
62. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
63. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
64. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
65. Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one?
66. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
67. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
68. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
69. Why is abbreviation such a long word?…And why does it have one?

The Basic Difference Between HIS (Y) and HERS (X)

X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

X: Workout – Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria’s Secret catalog mailing list

X: Get organized/clean house
Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

X: Read More/Less TV
Y: Buy Dish – More sports channels!!

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.”

Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal
wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule
of law.

For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other
side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell,alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird
may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RONALD REAGAN:

What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did it move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,”Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.